Use this technique to stop your inner critic from spiralling

Okay, I will use a personal experience when I used this technique to stop my inner critic from spiralling into shame. 

During Christmas week, I was at home with my daughter. That particular afternoon, I was running on a short fuse. My partner had been at the supermarket for 4 hours (who takes 4 hours to get to and from the supermarket!?) My daughter was whining, the weather was dark and cold, and I felt stuck inside with my daughter. I was fed up with the absolute mess and running around after a 1-year-old. In addition to this, I felt utterly touched out and overstimulated, as when my daughter is at home with me, she often wants to breastfeed a lot.

Towards the end of the day, I felt a familiar burning sensation rising in my throat. My body felt tense. I didn't want to be touched anymore. I didn't want to pick up another kitchen utensil that my daughter had dragged out of the cupboard. I couldn't deal with the whining noises anymore. Finally, I let out an internal scream to myself. "Argh…I can't take any more!!!" Then, I felt an also familiar experience. My inner critic ignited. 

"You should be able to cope better than this"

"You can't even look after your own daughter." 

"Think of other people who've got 3 kids, and you can't even look after 1"

Then, I cried.

But then, something much more helpful happened. I asked myself what I needed at that moment. I realised I desperately needed 30 minutes to myself. So, I assertively told my partner that I needed to have some alone time and go for a walk. He asked me to stay longer whilst he finished putting his shopping away. I assertively said to him, on this occasion, I need to get away now, to which he agreed.

Then, I got outside and went for a power walk. I know that in times of stress, walking fast helps me to re-connect with my body and to regulate my nervous system. Then, I asked myself a series of questions to help challenge the shame spiral I had already entered.

(1) What emotions am I feeling?

"Frustrated, angry, guilty, ashamed."

(2) Where am I feeling this in my body?

"A burning sensation in my throat. I'm feeling disconnected."

(Both these questions help bring awareness to our feelings whilst separating myself from the intensity of the feeling).

(3) What thoughts are going through my head?

"I'm such a bad mum. I can't cope. I should be able to look after my daughter better. Why can't I manage looking after her?"

(4) What compassionate, kind words could I say to myself instead? / What words would my best friend say to me?

"Everyone has difficult times sometimes, you just don't see them. It's no wonder you get burnt out sometimes, looking after a small child can be hard. You are a great mum, but looking after a child with limited support can mean that your emotions will boil over sometimes"

(5) Think of a time that you were proud of yourself / things were going well with your daughter?

Earlier today, when we went for a walk. We were both really relaxed whilst I carried her, and we both felt at peace.

(6) Is there anything that I can do to help prevent feeling like this again?

In addition to any morning outing, try to get out for a walk, even if it is just around the block before it gets dark. 

Ask for help from my partner before I reach my limit.

During this process, I felt the tension leaving my body. I had stopped my shame spiral in its tracks. Now felt able to see the situation for what it was, an afternoon where I felt overwhelmed with the demands of parenting.

I believe this is a powerful technique that can help you create balanced and compassionate thinking when you need it. So, now. I invite you to use this same set of prompts to support yourself when you feel your inner critic flaring.

Interrupting the shame spiral technique

(1) What emotions am I feeling?

(2) Where am I experiencing this in my body?

(3) What thoughts are going through my head?

(4) What compassionate, kind words could I say to myself instead? / What words would a good friend say to me?

(5) Think of a time that you were proud of yourself / things went well.

(6) Is there anything that I can do to help prevent feeling like this again?

In the comment section below, let me know your experiences when your inner critic takes hold. What does it say to you? How do you deal with this?