8 ways to manage Christmas social situations with a new baby; Without the overwhelm!
Introduction
Many people may love spending time visiting their relatives at Christmas. However, for others, festive commitments can feel stressful and exhausting. When visiting family, you might feel triggered by complex family dynamics and unresolved issues from childhood. It may feel stressful to negotiate new boundaries with family members after the birth of your baby. Alternatively, you may just feel exhausted. Spending time with many people may feel anxiety-provoking whilst still finding your way as a new mum. You are trying to establish yourself as a mother whilst learning to feed, soothe your baby, and navigate all of the changes in yourself during this postpartum period. Either way, these 8 tips will help you manage Christmas outings and visits with family members during the postpartum period.
Take time to reconnect with yourself.
Creating alone time can help make space for yourself during busy stays with family members. This is particularly relevant when there are any stressful family dynamics. Ways to reconnect with yourself could include; taking a few moments for some deep breathing. Walking alone or with the baby, nipping to the shops can always help with this. Alternatively, you can use your babies feeding times as a way to excuse yourself and remove yourself from busy situations to gain some quiet time. A simple but effective way to reconnect with yourself in stressful times can be listening to music you love on headphones. This can help you feel like yourself when you might feel stressed by your surroundings.
2. Avoid comparisons.
With all of the high expectations of Christmas, it is easy to get caught in a comparison trap. Thoughts may pop up such as, "why is everyone else having such a great time, whilst I am the only one struggling with my family". Making these unrealistic comparisons can lead you to feel worse. It may be helpful to put any stress you are experiencing into perspective. Many people have complex dynamics with their family or in-laws, not just you. This is particularly true whilst navigating new boundaries after having a baby. All family members are transitioning into their new roles as parents, grandparents, uncles, aunties etc. It is entirely normal for boundaries and roles to be blurred during this time and take some time to adjust. Although uncomfortable, there is nothing wrong with you or your family experiencing these turbulent times.
3. Protect your time
Reduce the pressure to do everything. It may be helpful to set a rule such as one social visit per day. With each social occasion, ask yourself, "Is this visit going to fill my cup or empty it?". You may feel the need to say yes and please others, but it is ok to say NO. Helpful ways to manage expectations might be, "I really want to see you, but we are just finding our feet with the baby at the moment. We may not be around as much this Christmas". Or you could try other ways to be intentional with your time. Try to prioritise social occasions that will make you feel better. If possible, try and say no to potentially more stressful visits, or reduce these to just a few hours.
4. Practice setting boundaries.
I know this can feel really hard. Dealing with family members' differing viewpoints on raising your child can feel stressful. You may feel easily triggered, especially when feeling sleep deprived or stressed. Try to recognise that these comments are rarely malicious, even if they can be incredibly annoying at times!
Some statements that can help to set your boundaries are:
"I can see where you are coming from, but it is my/our choice to do this"
or
"I appreciate that this may seem strange to you, but it is really important to me/us"
or
"This is what we've found works best for us"
Experiment with what works for you. This is a notoriously tricky dynamic to navigate. So be patient with yourself as you find your voice to express what is best for you and your baby.
5. Respect the COVID boundaries of yourself and others.
There is a vast range of different thresholds and anxiety levels regarding Covid-19. Everyone's anxiety levels are valid. However, this can cause difficulties when these different anxiety thresholds come together at Christmas. It might be helpful to negotiate these boundaries before any visits. A general rule of thumb can be to try and accommodate the person with the most anxiety, even if it is different to you. For example, if you do not have much fear around Covid, it may be helpful to try and support others to feel safe and negotiate how to do this. Equally, if you feel anxious about Covid contamination, you are well within your rights to set your own boundaries. This may require careful negotiation, but try to create a conversation where each person's views are listened to and respected.
6. Remain flexible
As a new mum, you will be spending a lot of time caring for your baby. This can create a deep and beautiful bond, but it can potentially make it difficult to see others looking after your baby. Perhaps your baby is out of their routine or eating foods they wouldn't normally eat. Ultimately, you should always have the final say in what happens with your baby. However, try to remain flexible as you can. Start by noticing your need to control the situation. Avoid catastrophising the consequences of your baby being looked after differently from what they are used to. This thinking style usually causes you added stress and can make you feel worse. Some examples might include relaxing the nap schedule. Or watching TV when you might not otherwise do this. In these situations, ask yourself, "how bad will it really be if my baby is looked after in X way?" Sometimes, it may be worth picking your battles and accepting some differences if it is not too bad.
7. Manage your expectations of Christmas.
Many mothers will have an idealist view of what their first Christmas will be like with a baby. The perfectionist in you can want everything to be just right, all the time. The consequence of this is that it can feel tough when things don't go as planned. It is ok for the holiday period to be a mixed experience go good and more difficult times. It is also ok to have big emotions and moments of total overwhelm amongst it all. It can really help to accept these moments as part of your experience. This gives you a better chance of enjoying the rest of your time.
8. Establish new traditions.
Make space to create your own traditions as a new family. These traditions can be elaborate as or as simple as you like. Making crafts, eating Christmasy foods or taking the baby to visit Santa can all be lovely ways to celebrate. Your new traditions could also be as simple as having a day when you sit on the sofa together, watching a Christmas movie and eating a takeaway. Creating these spaces for you and your family can leave you feeling good and more resilient for the other parts of the Christmas period.